Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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