Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
