paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
