i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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