Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
