He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Randomize
