Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
