Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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