He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
