Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
