her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
