I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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