Just cropdusted the office
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
