I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
