I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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