i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
