My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
