I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize