But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
