my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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