I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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