Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
this hospital has no fireball
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
