you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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