dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
