I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
His nipple licking is glorious
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