my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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