im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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