How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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