Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
