Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
