Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
