Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just puked most of my soul out..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
