fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Congratulations! We have a period
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
