And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
