she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
