just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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