sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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