her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize