apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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