stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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