I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
