it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's rum buckets o'clock
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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