Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize