census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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