Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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