when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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