She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
