On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
40s are totally the cure
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
