new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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