Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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