Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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