i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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