my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im six kinds of drunk right now
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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