I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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