cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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