I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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