He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
