I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
