Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
